Vampires Suck

Ha ha ha, original title, right? Yeah, I know. But the fact is, the Twilight adaptation of movies is one of the worst things to happen to our country in recent times, not just because of my personal disliking of the series, but because of the effects it has on the youth (and some older fucktards too) of America. I mean, of course, nearly anyone can understand why I personsally wouldn't like Twilight. Sparkling vampires, shirtless dudes, Shark Boy, GAY. But the worst part is its followers. People, mainly teenage girls, now believe they are vampires, dressing in clothes from the film and wearing the teeth and following the rituals. This is not a summary of the South Park episode, I had these opinions long before I saw the parody. I hate hate HATE waiting on little girls that come into Subway! They're talking about how sexy Jacob is and that they're jealous of Bella, and I want to jump over the bar and beat them into the ground. But, the sight of blood would only excite them, cause you know, THEY'RE VAMPIRES. No, I don't care if you're Team Edward or Team Jacob, I'm sticking to Team Fuck-All-Of-You. Of course, the recent trend of vampire popularity has started a tidal wave of new media involving vampires, such as video games, movies and TV shows. I mean, most of the stuff isn't nearly as bad as Twilight, but I'm sick of the whole vampire idea. I don't get why people find them so interesting, they're supposed to be scary. 30 Days Of Night is the only thing in recent memory I can think of that gives vampires the traits and characteristics that they are supposed to have. And the series isn't ending anytime soon, They're releasing Breaking Dawn soon, I believe it's called? It'll have a midnight release, all the fat little goth chicks will turn to bats and fly to the movie theater, and then the next day have their ashamed mothers drive them to the mall and wait outside while they run into Hot Topic and buy all the latest merchandise. Then the shit ensues, they're out of Team Jacob shirts, there's crying, wrist-cutting, chemical warfare, mass genocide, suicide bombings, you know, the regular stuff that comes along with Twilight releases. So until then, I'll surely keep my cross handy.

Internet Trends

Anybody who spends a lot of time on the internet (mainly the younger end of the group) starts to become familiar with the unique sense of humor that is widely used across the web. Anything from phrases to pictures can become a staple to internet usage. It started off as a small trend but now is becoming more widespread, which will slowly cause the demise of the humor, as big media names will start endorsing things that became underground-ly funny years ago. A good recent example is 'Cigar Guy'. Something like that a short while ago only would've been discussed on forums and other websites of the sort. But now, there's a story about the background of Cigar Guy on the frontpage of Yahoo! and it debunks the story behind it. This ruins all the humor of the subject, and in sense, The mass media took something funny and killed it from overexposure just to make headlines, as it does with so many other things. The story behind this particular case is, Cigar Guy was photographed as being an out-of-place onlooker as Tiger Woods fired a shot, complete with a big, bushy mustache, cigar, and turban. The unusuality of his appearance caused many photoshopped pictures inserting his likeness into pictures across history. This is a staple with most internet memes, and is how the joke is spread. But, some big media outlet picked up on the story and documented it, making it widely known outside of the internet community. Finally, in the Yahoo! story, they interviewed the man, revealing his name, background, and that the turban (when viewed from another angle) was actually a ponytail, and his cigar and mustache were only a costume, to honor his favorite golfer. By learning the story behind the joke, it removes all credibility because there is no imagination left to the joke. You know what's actually going on so you can't find it funny. If the media hunted down Keanu Reeves to ask him to explain in detail the "Sad Keanu" meme, it wouldn't be funny anymore. It's like an inside joke or fad. It's funny or interesting amongst your group of friends, but when it gets out and everyone starts doing it, it becomes boring and uninteresting, "lame" in a sense. I guess this blog is about a cross between internet humor and mass media over-promoting things and ruining them. Internet jokes are funny in their own sense. When one is picked up and goes widespread, people don't know the original story behind it, and all the other jokes it's associated with, and then they go and do stupid shit like make t-shirts and make Facebook groups, and wear the shit out of it until there's no hope of it being funny again. If I ever see someone wearing a Cigar Gut t-shirt, I'll kill them. Legit. Because it's not funny anymore because of the fucking media. I feel like more and more of a hipster every day. Cardigans and Indy bands, here I come.

Fuck Food Service

The topic of this blog may not be specific enough by the title. So I'll make it a little more clear. All the evil in the world can be traced back to food service. I've worked at Subway for over 3 years and it has completely changed my outlook on the human race. The people I wait on make me wonder id we've really all completely evolved from savage primates. Before I worked at Subway I was timid and shy, never really spoke my mind, and I all around wasn't very social. Since my job requires me to talk to and take orders from hundreds of strangers per day, I was forced to become more social. In being more social, I am able to better read what kind of a person someone is by analyzing the little things they do while I'm making their sub. When I greet a customer with a friendly "Hello" or "Hi, how are you?" and the customer responds by going right into their order, I can tell that they have bad people skills. I can also decipher this when they say  "I want-" or "Gimme-", as if they're children. When I ask if they want it toasted and they respond by saying they want chips and a drink with that, I can tell they're flat out retarded. I'm also sick of hearing 'I thought my sub was five dollars!' when the five dollar menu behind me clearly designates the subs that are five dollars, and the five dollar special ended April 17th, and I promptly tell them that to make them feel stupid. I get the opportunity to do that a lot, since usually the sub I'm making has a higher I.Q. than the actual customer. My most despised statistic about food service is fat people. I HATE FAT PEOPLE. I don't care if it's absurd, but they disgust me. I have some fat friends, but none of them are disgusting. Likewise, if a fat guy comes in and is friendly and cooperative, I'll know in the future to treat him like a regular person. But, a majority of the fat people I wait on are disgusting slobs. It pains me to make a footlong tuna on cheese bread with extra cheese for these elephants, it really does. I hate that I'm slowly sealing their arteries. The worst is making subs for fat kids. I hate seeing little kids come in and ask for extra bacon and waves of mayonnaise. And their parents allow it and encourage because they too are gargantuans. I take every opportunity i can to use low fat mayonnaise or put less bacon on the sub, because they'll appreciate those extra 2-3 minutes I tacked onto their life. And of course, the number one thing a fat person cares about is shoving their food into their mouth as quickly as possibly, so they'll be rude and ignorant to me while their exposed stomach sits on my neatly arranged chip rack. Then, they leave a huge mess at their table, which is like a paradox to me because I'd think they would want as much of the food in their mouth as possible. It just disgusts me to see where our country is headed. and I suppose the reason I hate fat people so much is because I'm actually helping the epidemic, and there's nothing I can do about it because it's my job. I wish I could say "Are you sure you want bacon on that?" or "You don't need all that mayo." or maybe even "Sir, please park your SUV in the parking lot during your next visit" while pointing at his wife. If I ever get fat, I've instructed my friends to kill me. So, at least I have a motivation to stay in shape. That's the ONE good thing I get out of this situation. I'm using my Subway experience to land a job at a Subway in Europe while the people are still sexy. In America, all the sexy is gone. It's been covered in mayonnaise and eaten.

Respect Those That Laid The Pathway

There's an article on Yahoo! (obviously, at this point, my main source of news stories) that gives a list of celebrities that are reprising their roles in movies decades after the original movie came out. It proves a good point. Many of the most well known movies in our culture are from previous decades. Likewise, many actors in old movies are the most well-known. Even today, movies that are older than most of us are still the most talked about. The Godfather, Gone With The Wind, Raiders Of The Lost Ark, among many others. The actors in those movies are heralded as the greatest actors of all time. But today, who are the actors in the movies? Nobody knows. You turn on Sci-Fi and there's hundreds of bad movies and all the actors are nameless. Even most of the movies in theaters star people that aren't well known. But, the movies that DO feature veteran actors, are usually hits. Inception was one of the greatest movies in recent memory, because Leonardo DiCaprio is a veteran actor who is well-known for his great acting skills. The newest movies in the Rocky and Indiana Jones were met with months and months of heavy coverage before and after their releases, because of the legacy of both the series and their actors. People want to see movies with big names because they know they will deliver. Elderly actors like Clint Eastwood and Betty White have great followings because they've built up a huge fanbase over the years. People will go to see their movies. Who is Micah Sloat? No one knows. I don't even know. He's the main actor in Paranormal Activity, which I had to look up to find his name out. You don't see in the news "Where is Micah Sloat's next destination in Hollywood?' because no one knows who he is. Paranormal Activity won't go down as one of the greatest movies ever. It might become a cult hit, but that's it. The Expendables starred several very well-known actors and was met with rave reviews. It was a great movie because the actors in it were very experienced. Movies with nameless actors are usually only criticized for bad acting or plots, which usually lead to cult hits. They're fun to watch but won't be remembered a few months after they're out of theaters. And when they're advertised to be great movies that'll go down in history, the inevitable flop will only hit harder. So independent filmers and low-budget projects should leave the hits to the big boys.

Reinventing Currency

There is an article on Yahoo! from the Huffington Post that details plans for a new design for American currency. The first sentence reads 'The American dollar is in bad need of a makeover.' Fucking seriously? Are citizens bored by their money? When they go to McDonalds and get a Big Mac with extra mayonnaise, does the money they pay with bore them? Nothing will change with a new dollar bill, they're gonna be fat either way. There are pictures of a proposed example of the $1 through $100 bills. Not only do they look like travel brochures, but they're all different sizes. They're all different colors (not talking about how Obama is on one and Roosevelt on the other), They're VERTICAL, and they're retarded. They would literally cause mass chaos. Would everybody in the world have to attend a giant bonfire to burn all their old, boring, obsolete cash? All businesses would have to take the old and the new currency. Counterfeiters would have a field day, many, many people would be confused as to which ones are real and which are not, some places will surely refuse this 'new' currency...Nothing good would come from it. If people seriously think it's necessary that we redesign our money, they should probably be put in a camp. The 'Dollar ReDe$ign Project', which orchestrated this idea, has actually passed a petition to get the U.S. Government to consider their idea. Knowing our government, we'll have colorful new currency by 2011. Americans are obsessed with remodeling everything. It's disgusting, really, how they want to change things that are completely fine. If it's not broken, don't fix it. Next, it's gonna be digital money or some stupid shit. Trust me, they'll do it. There are so many things that need fixing in this country, but not how are money looks. As a matter of fact there's a shortage of boring green money as it is. So why fuck everything up even more? I'll tell you why, because people in this country are retarded. I'll be moving to Mexico shortly. Bye.

Facebookers Anonymous

Facebook is probably one of the most simple ideas ever created, yet it's one of the most complex. It's an easy way to stay in touch with friends and family and keep yourself up to date with what's going on around you. But at the same time, it causes so much shit that I really do not need to deal with. It brings about so many opportunities for people to make total asses of themselves. One class of people who post on Facebook are the attention-grabbers. They post lyrics to songs that obviously TOTALLY DESCRIBE THEIR LIVES. They write depressing statements. "My life is terrible"."I hope he notices me...". Well HE may not notice you. But everyone else sure does. And you're a pansy. They also constantly quote the ever-popular phrase FML. It was funny for a month after the website became popular. Now it's annoying as hell. Let's put it all together for the perfect emo 13-year-old girl status: "FMLLLL i hate my lifeeee, he doesnt even know i existtt ;(((" Somehow, about ten words made me hate you. Yes, fuck your life. With a crowbar. Nobody cares, all it does is make you look like a retard. Grow up. Now another class of Facebookers are gay guys. Yes, it sounds vague, but gay guys always seem to post stupid shit because they crave attention. I'm Facebook friends with a few gay guys I went to school with. One of them constantly posts emo 13-year-old girl statuses like the one above. Another one tells everybody about his wonderful adventures with his guy friends, and it's usually a different guy every week. It's disgusting. I don't need to hear this, and neither does anyone else. Now I don't hate gay people. I'm all for being gay and whatnot, like I don't care what they do behind closed doors. But don't let everyone else know. That's probably why people don't like gay people, because they can't keep their dick-ventures to themselves. The last class of Facebookers I can think of are the super awesome popular drunk kids. I've seen enough red cups in pictures to last me a lifetime. If you go on some slut's page and see the link for 1,568 pictures, and they're all of her in the same pose with the same peace sign and duck-face next to the same amount of drunk black guys ready to pounce on her, that's how you know she belongs in this group. It's funny when you're in high school and you're super-popular and you have to post pictures like this to maintain your reputation, but everyone still thinks you're scummy. It's even funnier when you're NOT in high school any more and you still post pictures like that and you look even stupider. I don't drink for this reason. I'm not gonna look like an idiot and get labeled in this group of Facebookers. I do go on Facebook a lot, don't get me wrong. But I don't give everyone a rundown of my day or pour out my emotions. I talk to my friends and I post things to entertain people. I'm an actor, I like to entertain people. But not by cutting my wrists over the internet. If people would use Facebook for good and not for evil, the internet would be a happier place.

Way Out of our League

There's an article called 'Tips for Frugal Billionaires' I found online. It contains a list of tips from billionaires on how one should spend money wisely. It also says one specific billionaire can spend over a thousand dollars a minute for the rest of his life and never run out of money. I can't help but feel intimidated by this. It's like, no matter WHAT I do in life, no matter what job I have or how much money I make, I will never be as successful as these people. Nothing I do will ever be as recognizable. Celebrities, even if they're not billionaires, get worldwide coverage for doing things at little as walking their dog down the street. I could organize a huge benefit to raise money for a certain charity and not even a fraction as many people would know about that. The balance in the world is completely fucked; knowing that life-changing things I can do will not be seen by nearly as many people as Paris Hilton's new hairstyle just bothers me. There's no reason celebrities should be as recognized as they are. Everyone in the world knows who Leonardo DiCaprio is. He makes movies that keep people entertained for two hours. He makes millions and millions of dollars, and is looked up to and worshipped by millions of people. On the other hand, just say a doctor at my local hospital performs successful heart surgery on a man, allowing him to see his children grow up and become successful. The man will be grateful forever, as well as his family and friends, but where is the rest of the recognition he deserves? He doesn't get a movie made about him. He still doesn't get paid as much as a movie star. He doesn't become the idol of millions of people. No one ever thinks about this because it's been like that forever. Actors and other famous people are the stars of our society. When it comes right down to it, saving a man's life is a much bigger deal than keeping someone mildly entertained for a few hours (and sometimes, they can't even say that much). Yet, it's recognized a million times more. I don't know, maybe I'm just biased. Maybe I just want to be famous as well. But I'm not saying I deserve recognition. I'm just saying if I were to save a man's life right now, nobody outside of my general hometown area would know about it. Celebrity status is overrated and they are undeserving of all the attention they get. If one day, I'm a rich actor and I open a magazine with a picture of me going to Starbucks on the cover, I will be ashamed of myself.